Classic literature with alternate CrossFit titles

I know, I know: reading and CrossFit aren’t exactly bedfellows, but for those of you who Clif-noted your way through high school and college, you may enjoy the musclehead versions of some literary classics (that you really should pick up some time).

Alice in WODerland
An innocent, curious girl follows her strong, persuasive friend down a rabbit hole and ends up discovering a entirely new world: CrossFit. After wandering a while, she ends up at a place called “the ranch” where Dave Castro announces endless evil WODs, maintaining an odd Cheshire grin the entire time. And, suddenly, she can do double-unders, muscle clean her body weight and, when she finishes the WODs, there is nary a Fran cough to be found. Just that weird caterpillar with the peace pipe in the corner of the gym. (Come on, you know you’ve had the dream before.)

Harry Potter and the Atlas Stone
Harry and his friends discover that Voldemort is somehow living a weird half-life by carrying around a giant cement stone, and they must pass several obstacles to destroy the stone – none of which really require much “brain power.” Ron manages to chicken-wing his way through bar muscle-ups, Hermione argues her judge into submission over every handstand push-up no-rep. Finally, Harry reaches Voldemort and the Atlas Stone. But the only way to destroy the stone is to deadlift it up and over the Philosopher’s Jerk Blocks. Needless to say, Harry has been CrossFitting to stay in Quidditch shape – the stone is destroyed and the Wizarding World is safe once more. (Stay tuned for a Harry Potter-themed post).

Great Expectations: the downfall of thinking the WOD “doesn’t look too bad”
Poor, innocent Pip. He has only been CrossFitting for three months and sees a 200-meter run and light snatches WOD. How bad could it be, he thinks. I’ll go RX on this one, he says. 50 poor-form muscle snatches later and Pip could be a character in our next title…

As I Lay Dying: An epic post-WOD tale
This is the story of, “I’m never coming back.” Though some members of the fitness family are battered down by one movement more than another, some sprawled on their backs, some heaving on their knees, they all end the WOD thinking the same thing: I’m freaking dying. Build the coffin now and wheel me out of here. I’m never doing this again.

Lord of the Rings: One man, one muscle up
He’s worked his ring dips for months, practiced his giant kip, perfected his false grip. One day, our main character walks in, jumps up to the rings, gives himself a couple big swings and BAM! He locks out at the top of the rings, finally achieving his first muscle-up. Move aside, Froning! Get back, Fraser! There’s a new king in town. Until he realizes he has no idea how to do the next one.

Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mister Hyde: The story of taking pre-workout
Henry is a family practitioner, loved by many in his community for his warm bedside manner and local philanthropic deeds. But around 5:30 p.m. each weekday, Henry sprinkles a little C4 into his Blender Bottle. About 15 minutes later, he turns into an entirely different man: his CrossFit buddies say his pupils dilate, he’s blowing through the warm-up and he keeps talking about “the pump” – that’s what they can understand through the jittery garble, anyway. While Henry’s PRs have seen a substantial bump lately, he is not too proud of his Murph performance this year. The C4 wore out after his 5:47 first mile. Mister Hyde became Dr. Jekyll again after the first set of five pull-ups and the rest is not worth writing.

Come up with your own? Let me know!

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